A Year Without Fear: I AM $600,000. (AND SO ARE YOU.)

prosperityAt the end of my previous post, The $600,000 Gatekeeper, I reported that the internal arbiter standing between me and limitless creative expression seemed to have permanently abandoned its mission.

Afterward, a friend asked, “So if the gatekeeper is gone, are you now able to feel you deserve $600,000?” I didn’t know. I said I’d get back to him.

When I first met the gatekeeper, it showed itself to me as a frightened figure trying singlehandedly to hold back all of creation. It didn’t seem terribly interested in whether or not I deserved a randomly large amount of money. The outsized request itself was the threat.

In general, I would say the gatekeeper didn’t much like or approve of me. But there wasn’t much it did like or approve of, frankly. It was a very tired and cranky young sentinel, and I didn’t know whether judging deservedness was even part of its job description. Now that the gatekeeper had left the building, did all disapproval go with it? I grabbed my lamp and merged with my highest wisdom self, to find out.

We went within to have another good look around. I made the same exploratory statement as before: I’m in the mood to receive $600,000. Then my highest wisdom self and I watched carefully, taking note of all feelings that arose in response.

The answer to the deservedness question wasn’t entirely obvious at first. Where a sense of constriction or limitation used to be, I found only silently peaceful expansiveness. Nothing inside there cared about $600,000 one way or the other. But if I wanted to have it, there seemed no clear, self-generated reason why I shouldn’t.

I shone my lamp more deeply into the question of what I deserve, or what I am worth. I wasn’t prepared for what I found.

A fundamental sea change had taken place. A shift so profound, I can barely find words to describe it. And I hadn’t even noticed it happening.

•          •          •

I need to back up a bit here, to put this astonishing transformation into perspective for you. Throughout this lifetime, in my deepest unconscious core I always believed I was a hatefully unlovable troll. An abnormal, unforgivable blight on the universe.

No amount of spiritual work has ever convinced me otherwise. Not down there, in the deepest slumbering places where the sun don’t shine. This fixed core belief in my desperate unworthiness and unacceptability seemed forever out of reach and beyond help.

Until this week. Until I got to experience myself as creation itself. The higher wisdom self and I brought our light of conscious illumination into that great internal vastness for the very first time. It became a wonderful, softly welcoming experience, very beautiful to witness, as our light made tracers in the darkness and gently awakened bits of my comatose creative self.

Apparently the hate-filled unconscious core thing had been watching this whole event. After it witnessed the spectacular movement of universal creation flowing through me, AS me—well, this core thing seems to have radically revised its opinion.

It’s actually starting to think I’m pretty damn cool.

•          •          •

Do I deserve $600,000? What a goofy, charmingly irrelevant question. How can I not deserve the limitless creation that I already am? I am $600,000, for God’s sake. And I’m Buckingham Palace and the Taj Mahal thrown in. Which kind of makes me want to start singing a Cole Porter song to myself:

I’m the top

I’m the Coliseum

I’m the top

I’m the Louvre Museum…


I haven’t mentioned it much yet, but it was fully clear to me as I witnessed myself in my spectacular universal function of creation, that you are that same identical thing too. You are every bit as vast, as grand, and as unstoppably limitless. (I know people say that kind of thing to you all the time. Books are full of it. But I’m reporting my own eyewitness account, here. And I’m telling you: Really. No shit. YOU ARE ALL THAT. And a bag of chips.)

•          •          •

But here’s the fine print on that contract:

If you want to know yourself as the limitless creation you truly are, you don’t get to cherrypick only the parts you like.

Yep, I’m the Mona Lisa and the Tower of Pisa (to go back to Cole Porter for a minute). But I’m also the slums of Rio. I’m the gas chambers of Auschwitz, and I’m every guy who ever drowned a sackful of unwanted kittens.

Write a song about that. I dare ya.

As I sat merged in meditation with the highest wisdom self and our lamp of illumination, I recognized I am responsible for all of creation. And my responsibility is to stop turning away from the creation that I am. I don’t have to like it all. But I must accept the whole package without resorting to the sort of schizophrenic denial I’ve been using since time began. I am required to know myself consciously and willingly as I truly am, in other words, or not at all.

The contract is to love without judgment. To help where I can. To step in and intervene if called to, but to do so without employing rejection or denial or a wish to find anyone or anything guilty–for those I would condemn are all very clearly parts of my own creation. Parts of my own creative self.

That’s what my creative self actually is. Its only function, its sole identity is constant, nonjudging, impartial creation. It couldn’t pause, take a breather from 100% neutral creating, even if it wanted to. And it doesn’t want to. In fact it doesn’t want anything. It already is everything. And it makes no judgment whatsoever about the unholy unconscious purposes you and I put our creative function to. It just endlessly creates, creates, creates whatever we ask of it.

So that’s what my larger self is. It refuses to judge its own constant creations. I know–I’ve seen it, felt it as me. Do I go on denying that nonjudging creative self? Running away from it? Being terrified of it? Blaming others for it? Hating others? There are no others.

And I’m done with that whole self-hatred business, really. The self-hating unconscious core and the vast creative self are the same self. There’s only one, you know.

I’m inclined to stop fighting City Hall. So I agreed to the contract as wholeheartedly as I could. And as I did it, I felt my spine gently slip out of alignment. All by itself. (Ow.)

Not all parts of me are equally on board with this, it seems. I literally do not have my own support. At least not yet.

How does this contractual agreement change things? Does it change things?

My chiropractor and I haven’t a clue. I’ll keep you posted.


15 Replies to “A Year Without Fear: I AM $600,000. (AND SO ARE YOU.)”

  1. Hi Carrie , first of all , thanks for your wonderful books and this blog. They have been very helpful for me. It is refreshing to read about everyday application of forgiveness . Real-life personal anecdotes have made all the difference for me. Thanks for your immense courage to share so openly.

    Congratulations on your latest discovery! Yessss!

    From this silent inner peace there may or may not arise a wish for $600,000. If it does arise, it is usually fulfilled. If it doesn’t arise, fine.

    However, if the wish arises from fear , then there is no difference whether it allows for 6,000 or for 600,000 . It’s both from ego. It’s both fear based wishing.

    I came across a link that I feel like sharing here ; it fits the subjects “living without fear” as well as “wishing and manifesting”:
    Margot Ridler has worked in therapy (constellation work) when a sudden flash knowing revealed the emptiness of her self. Then a period of fast personal deconstruction set in , like in a time lapse movie. She was homeless and without money travelling in a country where she didn’t speak the language. But the single guiding hand took care of everything.
    esp. the videos: http://thegreatestlieeverbelieved.com/video.php

    In my head, spirit radio is playing the song “Born to Be Alive”. Love, Karin

    1. Hi Karin! Thank you for the links…strangely, mystically, I know Margot Ridler, but had no idea she had awakened in 2005. I spoke in my first book about having undergone Transgenerational Therapy (i.e. constellation work). That work was with Margot, a fairly short time before her awakening. Funny.
      Much love,
      Carrie xx

      1. Then that might explain why I felt this strange urge to post this link here. I always marvel at the perfect timing of this whole dance:

        Margot’s awakening had to be scheduled so you could just have that workshop with her before she quit.

        And I was urged to put this link here. Actually, I wrote my comment for the original $600,000 gatekeeper post originally. And when I wanted to post it, I saw that you had just written about your awakening. Now this fits even better.

        Knowing that there is a single guiding hand behind all the appearances , it makes sense that the timing is perfect. But from the view of separation I am always in awe when I see all these synchronicities.

        1. umm…I feel a need to clarify something, Karin: even though the word is overused these days, and seems to cover a whole giant range of experiences, I would not describe anything that has occurred for me lately as an awakening. Eye opening, sure. Bringing light into darkness, absolutely. What Margot experienced was what I’d call a proper awakening!! With a capital ‘A’!

          Anyway. Thank you again for listening to your inner knowing, and posting those links. I’m still not sure why, but I awoke in the middle of the night last night with the sense that I was being told to use those links again, to read more carefully through her website. (I had only given it a quick look yesterday.) That there’s something I’m supposed to get from it, or some connection I’m supposed to make. I’ve been looking at her site today, and don’t know what it is yet that I’m supposed to see. But I trust there’s something there. I’ll know it when I see it.

          And yes, I agree, sometimes the divine orchestration takes my breath away, too. A perfect conductor causing all instruments to play in their right timing–and all of us making beautiful music together! xx

          1. Are you aware that Ramana Maharshi said that, too? “There are no others.”

            Came upon another link yesterday which happens to quote Nisargadatta Maharaj:

            “M: […] You are not the body. You are the conscious
            presence. Accept it and you can forget it.
            In the future, I will not be able to go into the problems of each one
            of you. I will simply tell you, “This is false,” or, “This is the
            truth.” You can accept what I say, or you can leave.

            Q: I don’t have the capacity to accept what Maharaj has given me.

            M: If you don’t think you have the capacity, then you can go
            elsewhere. I am not concerned with any state, which is temporary.
            This consciousness state is not of my choosing. The sooner it goes
            the better. Once it is known what is temporary and what one’s
            original state is, no further knowledge is needed.”

            Funny syncronicity again: a “surrealist spammer” brought this old thread from 2013 into the present by just posting a single line comment at the end.
            I read it yesterday and saw the Nisargadatta quote about the temporary and the original and thought that it fits your insight.

            Now , I am curious what your definition of awakening is.


          2. Virtually everybody who speaks with authority on this subject says there are no others. 🙂
            I do not speak with authority when I say it. I speak with a reasonable suspicion that it’s true based (thus far) on randomly disconnected clues which all seem to point strongly in that direction. That ain’t the same thing as knowing. When I know oneness as my own lived experience, maybe I will feel like that’s awakening. But really I have no idea what awakening/enlightenment is or isn’t. It wears so many faces that I’m fairly certain I would not know it if it bit me in the illusory ass.

          3. And what a cute bum you have, in the dream! *winks in that silly manner* *realizes that you understand my humour*

            Okay, so I had the pleasure of reading yet another book about the process of ‘becoming enlightened’…but not from an esteemed ACIM teacher nor guru from far away India, rather it was written by an ordinary man who happens to be a concert pianist. He writes in a journal about his talks with his Higher Self *as he eventually was told to refer to ‘It’ as*. He is very honest, candid and asks good questions about his daily life. Then one day, there he is writing, and ‘shazam’, he becomes enlightened. He takes notes as it is happening. Most importantly, he describes how his perspective changes afterwards. In really plain, simple relatable sentences. It felt quite a bit like reading ‘Long Time No See’ in the human sounding department. *just not nearly as entertaining!*

            It did not cause me to suddenly become ‘enlightened’, but it helped me ease into the simplicity of it and took away some of the drama and ‘fru-fru-ness’. It seems more attainable, wake-up-to-it-able now. So I felt like sharing. Author: Jeffrey Chapell. Title: “Answers from Silence”
            I have a strong feeling that reading this will leave no bum bite marks. Just sayin’.

            Enjoy your ‘nother rainy British day (or sun, if it appears). Love! 😀

          4. Addendum: Wouldn’t ya know it! HS puts another book in my face today…within hours of my last post here. I bought the book ‘for Paul’ and paged through the middle of it with a few ahh’s and hmmm’s the day I gave it to him. Today, it grabbed my attention. First chapter? “On Awakening”. *big “doh” heard by me at this point* Turns out that this ’92/’94 book by Tom Carpenter, called, “Dialogue on Awakening: Communion with a Loving Brother” is a lot like the book I mentioned earlier, just ACIM based. Still a conversation. Sounds just like the J who speaks via Paul for me. This is how HS takes me by the hand. I do nothing. Pretty easy peasy and totally increases trust…who, proverbially, knew? (We all know…shhhh…it’s not a big secret, but we’re sure it is! ++rotfl++

          5. I have to confess, T, I was mystified by your bum comment for awhile after reading it. LOLOL! I forgot what I’d said about being bitten in it.

            Anyhoo. The book sounds really interesting, I will look it up, thank you. In similar fashion, I really enjoyed Jan Frazier’s ‘When Fear Falls Away.” It didn’t spark any sort of awakening in me, but, as you say, it helped me see how an awakened state plays out in mundane daily life. So it did indeed lessen my fear around enlightenment.

  2. Whoo hoo! Way to go, Cappie girl! You’ve come to your own mountaintop. Okay, so it’s an inside glacier…just semantics. So hilarious that so many of “Us” have been reaching these plateaus at or near the same time. All of the in-depth ‘look at my childhood suppressed memories and feelings’ with the man on Skype are coming to fruition around me. I could not have done it without the healing work that you and all the other seemingly separated me’s (as you’s) have also been concurrently doing, most of us unawares. Have had help from my Higher Self guidance system, too. It’s not stopping here. Nope. Keep on keepin’ on, I say. *great to have lived through the slogan-rich sixties and seventies with ya* Sock-it-to-me…LOL

    1. You never fail to make me laugh, T. Sock it to me, indeed. And thanks for the company, on that inner glacial outside mountaintop. xx

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